is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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