Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
