I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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