I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
