i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
