"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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