Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
