between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
