She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
