My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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