i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
