Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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