I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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