Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
