Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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