broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
