So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
