Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
