We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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