So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
