Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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