now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I wish I only lived at night.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
