I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Two words: blizzard sex
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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