This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
