The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
