Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
