Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
