The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I party with great urgency now.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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