I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
