i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
