i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
