You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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