last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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