no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
