How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
