I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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