Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
