I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
