she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
she looked like the before picture.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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