I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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