some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
