The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
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