Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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