You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
