Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
