I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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