Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
