I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
