I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
