I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
