I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
