I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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