I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
