Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
