he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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