I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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