My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
