One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
